You visited me again

I always knew I would dream of you again. The frequency is much lower now, but I knew you would come back to visit someday. 

Couple of days back I was having a nice conversation with friends about movies and stuff and was just thinking I wished I could discuss these with you since you always have great information to share on topics like this and many others that I liked indulging in. 

I guess that was the trigger, just thinking about you that day led me to dream about you the same night.

But the dream this time was very different. It started like any other dream, where I am hanging out with a bunch of people of which you are a part as well, and then I start talking to you and telling you that I went through this crazy phase where I thought you were dead. 

But this time the dream changed at this point. I was just telling you that I was dreaming about you being dead, and then suddenly I asked myself whether even this is a dream. And then I forced myself to wake up, convincing myself that it was just a dream after all. 

I went back to sleep after that and didn't dream of you again. All the time in the past the dreams of you just keep continuing. This was the first time I realized I was dreaming when I saw you in it.

So I am indeed coming to terms with the fact that you aren't here. 

The other day I read something interesting. It said that a person is alive till as long as someone remembers them. I guess that is why many people try to leave a legacy. Either by doing something famous like starting Apple Inc, or the simple act of procreation. But this is how we aim for mortality. Do these deeds so that someone remembers us after we are gone.

That's when I felt bad about you. If I start forgetting you, then you will surely be dead, coz nobody else will remember you. Your parents are old, you didn't have any siblings or cousins. You had a bunch of friends and most of them thought you didn't exist coz you were more of phenomenon than an actual person to them. 

Imagine Sush talking about you so much and Vikram never meeting you. He even visited the crematorium the day you passed, but missed seeing you before you went into the pyre. So he could as well argue that you are just a figment of Sush's imagination. 

Atanu and Pali used to meet you only when they were high. So even they used to say that you are just a a pariah that visits them when they are high rather than a real person. 

Point is, a lot of people didn't know you existed even when you were alive, what chance is there of them remembering you now. 

The only person who has a chance of remembering you is me. Nobody else has spent as much time with you as I have. From school in Bangalore to NM in Bombay to work at Chennai. And even after that, meeting you every time I traveled to Bangalore. Most days you were the first person I visited before I even met my family in Bangalore. 

I still don't know if any of those relationships you said you were in were true. I investigated a lot and didn't find traces of too many things outside of what you already told me. So if I were to go by the information I have, I was your closest friend.

So it is almost a responsibility I have to ensure I don't forget you. Because if I do, that's when you are really dead.

And maybe that is why you visited me that night. To remind me not to forget you. 

Yes, I need to conquer my emotions. I cannot get saddened every time I think of you. But I do need to keep your memories alive. 

Which is exactly why I want to take a sabbatical in the next few years and do the thing that I have been wanting to ever since I can remember, which is to write. 

I want to write everything I remember of you, and I should do this before I forget. So many things about you are already drifting. When I ask other friends about it, they also hardly remember things. Life is coming in the way and everyone is making new memories. As amazing as it may be for everyone, it's not good for the fact that there was a time a person called Bala walked on this earth.

So I'm sorry for forcing you out of my head. I only did it coz you made me sad every time I thought about you. I don't feel that sad any more. I'm coming to terms with what has happened. But I should not forget about you. Will always keep your memories Bala. At least till I get to writing that book.

After that, who knows, life will come in the way for me as well, and senility may make me forget the past too. But as long as I can keep it going, and after that through the words that I write that maybe someone else may read, will keep your memories alive.

Miss you bro. Miss my best friend. Miss those conversations I cannot have with anybody else. Wish you were still here just for me. I have a lot of friends, but just not a single person comparable to you. 

Thank you for being in my life, growing up with me. You were the most amazing person I ever knew. Thanks for existing Bala.